I’ve never been more nervous about anything than becoming a father. I held my cool the morning of September 21st, the day my daughter would arrive, but I was scared. Scared about not being able to handle the stress, or that it would all be too much. Turns out though it was the exact opposite of all my fears. I look back now on the inadequate amount of sleep I received during Lexi’s first months and remember it not being a big deal. Now I am five weeks away from doing it all again. Maximus is set to arrive on August 26th and I now know not to be scared. Of course with Lexi I was both excited and scared, but now with Maximus I can say I’m a stronger person. I know that I can handle what’s ahead of me and my family and know how amazing it is that I’m having a son.
Being a father is the best. Lexi is at this age now where she is talking, showing more emotion, and gaining more of a personality. Since day one, I hated not being able to spend more time with her. Work, side-work, and school all adds up to me being away from home more than I want to be. My mom explained it that your kids are a magnet, and you constantly feel drawn to them, which is completely true. I have friends invite me to a crazy weekend party and just laugh, good luck dragging me away from my family for that long, unless you pay me! My daughter has helped me become a better person, and has helped me prepare for what is to come. She is amazing, and the only person that has made me mad, happy, and sad all in about five seconds (she screamed at me, blushed a smile my way, then fell over.)
And now I’m sitting here writing this, thinking in a quick 35 days, my son will be here. With Ashley being pregnant with Alexandria, it seemed to be a long process. Now Maximus is arriving quicker than I can even think. Mostly everything is ready, except the decoration part, but we might not be in this house when he arrives. Yeah how dumb are his parents for deciding to move two months before he gets here. We have always operated that way though, act on a whim which seems to always work itself out.
I know I’m a good father to my daughter, but will be relieved when school is over, and I can dedicate more of my evenings to her and Maximus. I’m happy for my wife to be able to stay at home and do photography, although she seems busier now than when she worked full time. She’s a hell of a mom who holds her love for all of us so tightly. For a person with such a rocky childhood, she really has it all together for herself now, and I’m pleased she is in my life.
Maximus will be different than raising Alexandria. Everybody I talk to with both siblings stress this to me. “Pee goes everywhere, EVERYWHERE!” “Boys can be really dumb sometimes.” But whatever he throws at me I’ll be ready. It’s one of those instances that I know is happening, but it hasn’t sunk into me yet. He was kicking me in the head yesterday, but it still won’t feel real until I get to hold him for the first time. He will reach for me, squeeze my finger, and cry for me. And this will all hit me at once, and I will feel overwhelmed, but prevail.
My daughter has also transformed me in ways I never knew I would. When I sing, I sound like a squeaky semi truck, but if I begin singing to Lexi, she starts to boogie. I even hummed her to sleep the other day during one of her late nap stretches, which I would have been wildly embarrassed about before her. She now acknowledges me when I enter a room, saying “Hi, Da!” in her sweet voice and waving her arm violently at me. She is also giving amazing hugs, sings, acts out movies, and just loves playing.
While my wife has always been encouraging to me for all my goals in life, I feel like Lexi has moved me to that next step. It was difficult at the beginning, but helped show myself how strong a person I am, and how dedicated I make myself for things in particular. I quit school for a while but instantly snapped back to life when I found out I was having a baby. I’ve been stagnant on any particular goals but changed these by getting back into school, starting a business to help learn more about the career I would enter into, and setting achievable targets (some I have already achieved, but my gut is slowly coming back so need to fix that quick.)
I love being a father, and am getting anxious to do it all over again with Maximus. But first I need to man up a little bit!